Tested!

So to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about blogging incredibly personal information out to everyone, but at the moment; I need to chat and since there is no one to chat to at 12am, I am consequently giving in to my schizo personality and will be chatting with myself, via the computer.

For the last few months, I have been struggling with some things, and as I've felt myself slipping away, I also didn't understand the urgency that should have been there.

Life has been kind of crazy for us lately, and it's hard sometimes to sit back and realize that you are not where you want to be and wonder how it is that your going to get to that place you see in your heart?

I've yet to figure this out 100%, and if anyone has that secret, I would appreciate it if you would fill me in, it would help me out a ton. So as things have kept spiraling, before I knew it, I was on my knees praying to my Heavenly Father that he would forgive me. Forgive me for all the things I've let slip by me. See, I am usually so good as doing the basics, reading scriptures nightly, attending church, fulfilling callings, etc. Prayer is one I have always struggled with because for some reason I hate kneeling on the cold floor, and then I usually end up crawling in bed and then who wants to move after they're comfortable.

But, lately it seems, I have let a few things slip through the cracks, prayers out the window, unless they were being said on my back in bed, scripture reading, out the window, visiting teaching, well I haven't been good at that for a while, so no surprise there, what else... anyway. For me, those things are critical, especially the reading scriptures, because for some reason when I read my scriptures, things seem to go somewhat comfortably.

Well right now, I'm stressed. There is no other way to put it. And I'm wondering when I'm going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or when that window will open?

So since Faith seems to be what I'm lacking, how do I regain that which I once had but now seems lost. Why is it so easy at times to put all your faith in your Heavenly Father, and then at other times, it seems its the last thing you could possibly do.

As I look back at times in my life when I was able to turn my life over to the Lord, and trust in him with all my heart, those are the times when it seemed I was the closest to him, shocking I know. So, why now, is it hard to relinquish myself and delve back into those moments when I know he was with me 24/7.

Being a primary teacher, sometimes it's hard to feel that spirit that is so needed in the lonely places of the heart. I wish I was one of those primary teachers that could say they are so overwhelmed by the spirit each lesson that they want to cry. I unfortunately am not that Holey? yet, apparently~! Sometimes I wonder if some teachers aren't thrown into primary out of desperation rather than inspiration... did I say that out loud. I know I need to repent again!

For whatever reason I'm being tested right now, my faith, my knowing I need to be more pliable in leaning and trusting in the Lord; I'm trying to remember that there is a season for everything. That Heavenly Father is there even when it's hard.

To top everything off; when Jake and I went in for our ultrasound, they said that everything looks good, except the kidneys look a little bigger than they like to see. But, not too worry because they usually go down on there own, that we need to go in for another ultrasound in 8 weeks and see. If they are the same or bigger, then we will have cause to worry.

Although this is not what I've been previously stressing over, it's one of those things that when added you feel as though your going to break. As I think about this little one in my tummy, and I know that no matter what happens, I will love it and cherish with my whole heart. I also feel the pressures of what that would mean. Bills from the hospital, large ones that with Jake's fantastic (Not) insurance, would not cover, or it would mean a large (very large) deductable before his ins. would even kick in; which means we would most likely end up in large debt because of it. So is it wrong to pray for a healthy baby based upon the fact that I have no idea how we would financially be able to cope?

I of course want this baby to be healthy with all my heart, but I understand that might not be the case... so if this baby were to have problems with their kidneys, is this something I shouldn't be stressing over? I honestly pray with all my heart that Heavenly Father will grant this prayer. For no other reason that because I'm selfish and I want my baby to be healthy. With that said, whatever happens, this baby will be cherished just the same.

As I think about all the things that are hard for me right now, I do know that I have many wonderful blessings. Blessings that far out way the materialistic ones. I have two beautiful and healthy children, a husband who loves me and holds and cherishes his priesthood, and two wonderful families who raised us both in the church; families that taught us to be strong member of his church. I do know I'm blessed, I know it in the quite hollows of my heart.

So, why sometimes do material things seem to throw such a kink in everyday life.

I apologize for anyone reading this, because it truly is words just coming out of my mouth and things that just needed to be put on paper. Or a computer screen *Ü* I hope you quite reading long ago, and that I haven't bored you! I simply needed to get this out, to let it go, and start trusting that things have a purpose, and that however small my faith is at the moment, it's there and is being strengthened as we speak!